A quick sugar fix: Entenmann’s Pre-Packaged Donuts

30 Oct

We’ve gotta do what we’ve gotta do.  Actually, we’ve gotta guide you as you gotta do what all of us, at one time or another, are forced to do: grab a pre-packaged donut from the grocery store.

We understand.  Sometimes you’re in a hurry.  That’s why we took the time to check out Entenmann’s, one of America’s most popular pre-packaged donut brands.  We were joined once more this Saturday by Guest Donuteer Dame Danish.  Here’s what we uncovered:

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Donut #1: Plain

Coffee Girl:

Put this donut down and back away.  No matter how badly you need a donut — and we understand that this can be badly indeed — this donut will make your life worse, not better.  Some relationships leave us lonelier than we were to start with.  Entenmann’s plain donut will not show you a good time, no matter how desperate you are.  A simple, “No thank you, I’d rather go home alone,” is the best response to this donut.

Donut Boy:

This is why people say they don’t like plain donuts.  They mean they don’t like this donut.  Tepid texture, virtually flavorless.  Really nothing going for it at all.

Donut #2: Chocolate Frosted

Coffee Girl:

Oh, please.  This is not even a donut.  This is a fake donut clearly not meant for consumption, possibly designed as a stand-in for real donuts in photo sessions.  A protective coating parades as frosting.  The interior is a waste of calories.

Donut Boy:

The frosting looked enticing.  It even felt kind of nice in your hand, holding the donut.  But it was very stiff.  Biting into this donut is similar to biting into a Dove ice cream bar in the way the frosting breaks up (all wrong for a donut — for frosting done right, see here).  A Dove bar, however, has something good inside the chocolate.  This donut just had spongy, D-list cake filling.  Boo.

Dame Danish:

Blech!  It was plastic-y.

Donut #3: Crumb Donut

Coffee Girl:

We weren’t sure what we were getting into here, with those attractive-looking chippy things.  We confess we were put in mind of caramel chips.  We were disappointed.  The sweet globules atop this donut are small wads of brown sugar dusted in confectioner’s sugar.  Sounds better than it is, largely due to the massive failure of texture of this and all of today’s pre-packaged donuts.  Better than a kick in the pants, yes.  Worth wasting an opportunity for an actual donut?  No.  Worth considering for the Donuteer dying of Donut Deprivation, crawling hopelessly across a desert with no donuts in sight for miles and miles?  Maybe.

Donut Boy:

Visually, this donut beats its brothers.  Taste-wise, it’s not much better than the plain donut, and not different enough from the frosted buttermilk (see below) to legitimize its claim as a different donut.  As my partner mentioned, there’s a lot of sugar involved, which is perhaps the problem.  In the end, all you really know is you put something sugary in your mouth.

Dame Danish:

This donut was flavorless.

Donut #4: Glazed Buttermilk

Coffee Girl:

If you’re stuck with a Donut Jones and no way to reach an actual bakery, you may as well grab Entenmann’s glazed buttermilk  donut to go with your coffee.  The glaze was sweet and lemon-y, the cake was pleasant, though surprisingly transitory, which is to say, it melted away with one bite.  Gone and forgotten.  Nice like a Hollywood romantic comedy — pleasant while it lasts, forgotten before the credits have finished rolling.  But better than no donut at all.

Donut Boy:

We were all set to be thoroughly unimpressed with Entenmann’s, but this donut surprised us.  The outside had a decent crunch for something that’s been sitting in a box.  The flavor of this donut was distinct: definitely a hint of lemon and a refined sweetness that set it apart from the others.  As has also been mentioned, though, this donut dissolved in the mouth faster than would seem normal.  The comparison that comes to mind is a Pixie stick dissolving on one’s tongue.  Hmmm…

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The Wrap-Up:

Entenmann’s was once a great neighborhood bakery, the kind that local folk flocked to in the mornings to get their pastry fix.  Somewhere along the way, something happened and the magic was lost.  These are not good donuts.  As we said, they will do the job if you’re in a pinch.  And if you are going to get a box, we recommend getting a box of eight glazed buttermilk, by far the best flavor here.

We didn't bother finishing them.

…But if you’re not totally pressed for time, hit up a local bakery.  Your tummy will be way happier.

Until next week, Donuteers!

-CG&DB

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